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Editorial: The winner is …

I pride myself on a few things: 1.) My supernatural ability to eat licorice, 2.) solving the rubix cube in under two minutes, 3.) my pecs, and 4.) my ability to argue with myself. The last one scores me a super duper opportunity to argue why each of the Best Picture nominees will win. I know that this year there is going to be a snub because ‘Good Luck Chuck’ isn’t even nominated. If you don’t think a movie starring the self proclaimed ‘Dane Train’ is Best Picture quality, then, for you, I weep. I weep manly tears of patriotism covered in chest hair.

Atonement – This will win because the academy loves period pieces. It makes them feel all fancy and important, kind of like the Planters Peanut. And not only do they love epic period pieces, but they adore storylines that twist and have pieces that seem like they don’t fit but the actually do fit. Makes a film seem smart, and makes them seem smart by having it win.

There Will Be Blood – Strong leading man, epic tale, timely with the topic of oil/America’s distrust of big business. Plus it has a cool title inspite of the fact that there is very little blood actually in the movie. Having a cool title is key. It’s the reason ‘Blood Sport’ won. I know it didn’t win an Oscar, but it did win the “Most Baby Oil on Shirtless Men” award that year.

Juno – This is actually my dark horse to win (That sound you heard was the Lonely Reviewers collective head exploding.). Here is why it will win. The story was solid and played very well with stereotypes (The army dad that wasn’t a gigantic ass; a stepmother-daughter relationship that actually had the feel of a regular mother-daughter), snappy dialogue (even if it was a bit too snappy), and then there is the X factor. Having Michael Cera and Jason Bateman (who as far as I’m concerned pisses lemonade) in anything instantly makse it worth seeing. Hell, Jason Bateman even made three minutes of ‘Smokin Aces’ tolerable.

No Country For Old Men – Great movie. So much play with silence in time when people try to fill two hour movies with constant stimulus. This is my vote for should win. I was very impressed with this movie and look forward to seeing it again. The movie even got Tommy Lee to stop being a ham for five seconds. That is worth an award right there.

Michael Clayton – This movie will win because it has the most actor/actress nods of any movie nominated. An all-star cast doesn’t necessarily translate into an Oscar winning movie (see ‘Gangs of New York’ ), but when one of those actors is George Clooney all bets are off. Have you ever looked into a mans eyes and seen Heaven? That’s what G. Cloons brings to the table. Seriously, he is a pool of desire.

That is why each film will win. Sure there are probably more technical reasons why a movie will win beside, “they dressed Keira Knightley all pretty in Victorian clothing,” but most likely not. People base their choices on all kinds of weird things. I decided to wear tweed shoes during a rain storm the other day. Proper reasoning is not always a prerequisite. Besides I actually know who will win. The Giant told me, but I’m not telling you because I am selfish. And tall, but that has nothing to do with it.


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