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Quadrilogizin’ Time

With Hollywood living it up by reviving trilogies from back in the day, I figured I’d offer some help. I mean, it’s my childhood they’re plundering, so at the very least I can offer insight into what I think would make a great 4th installment. Consider these few on the house ideas my thanks for all the hard work you idea-men are currently doing out there in sunny California.

Back to the Future IV – Marty McFly is back! This time he has taken over the role of Doc, who has passed away. Marty is working on stopping Biff, who has now learned the secrets of Mr. Fusion, from mass producing time travel devices by going back in time to make it so that Biff never actually learns the secret of time travel, but instead ends up in a pile of manure. But in doing so he accidentally bumps into the Marty McFly of that time and causes a chain reaction that sends that McFly back in time to accidentally get to second base with his then unwed mother. Then things get kind of weird. I think this installment should jump onto the train of being “grounded in realism.”

Cannonball Run IV – This installment should have a strong environmental message. So instead of the Dodge Tradesman, the lead should be racing a bio-fuel hatchback that has a solar powered radio and recycles old cans as it drives. They could race across the country and try to stop to refuel, only to lament the country’s dependence on foreign oil. But then Ed Begley, Jr. shows up and joins the team, bringing along his “green” savvy and they win the race, dedicating it to Mother Earth (“We only get one planet! Let’s use her wisely!”). And it should be the son of J.J. McClure, J.J. McClure, Jr. (or “JJ McC J,” as they’ll call him), played by Paul Walker. The movie should also have Jackie Chan back.

Look Who’s Talking For a Fourth Time – So we’ve had the baby talk (the impeccable Bruce Willis). Then we had the two babies talk (Rosanne Barr’s finest role). Then we had the babies and the pets talk (oh Danny DeVito, if only others had the ability to carefully choose roles like you do). So what’s left? That’s right, the home appliances! ‘Look Who’s Talking For a Fourth Time’ will basically be a cacophony of noise as the audience hears the thoughts of the babies, the dogs and the dishwasher, refrigerator, toaster, vacuum and electric toothbrush. The story can revolve around the babies trying to put their fingers in all sorts of the appliances and then the toaster getting all sassy. A good opportunity for a Maytag sponsorship of the film, too. This movie will be like printing money.

I’ll Forever Continue to Know What You Did Last Summer – Give three retarded chimps a paw full of Crayola Washable markers, some paper, keep them on a steady diet of Pop Rocks and Jolt Cola, and lock them in a room for about 17 hours. Then commit to film whatever ideas they come up with. Hire a C-list rapper like Chingy to co-star along with Joey Lawrence and Soleil Moon Frye and boom; you’ve got a film to compete against the ‘Saw’ series.

You’re welcome, Hollywood. Remember, I want a shout out in the credits.

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