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Review: Dangerous Liaisons

I want to warn you that although I am sober as I write this review, when I watched this movie I was heavily medicated due to me battling a potentially fatal virus over the weekend. Granted a slight case of the sniffles has never killed anyone, well, anyone that didn’t already have it coming to them. Basically what I am trying to get across is that I was in a NyQuil haze when I watched it, so the accuracy of this review is in question, though I am pretty sure a stoned Brandin could out wit a lion on a tennis court any day.

My first reaction to the movie was, “Is that Glenn Close’s real face?” I was assured it was, though I am not sure if that is a plus or a minus for Grandma Close, who has apparently looked about 90 years old since she was 40.

I am fully aware that movies ask us to take leaps of faith, suspend disbelief for a moment, and trust the filmmaker, but by asking us to first off believe Glenn Close could have any man she wanted, followed up by John Malkovich having any woman he wanted, then hammered home with Keanu Reeves playing someone not named Ted Logan, well, you’re asking a lot. With a little help from the meds, I was able to get past this though.

The next hurdle for me came at about the midway point when I saw Uma Thurman’s bazoombas. Normally this is a high moment in film. I have personally handed out the “Best Woohoo’s of the Year” award ever year for the past 17 years (The award consists of me running past girls in white shirts, pouring water on them and taking pictures. What kind of award is that you ask? Oh, I don’t know, how about the best award ever! *high five*), so I know what I am talking about. The problem with this particular shot was that Uma was fairly young at this point and required an imdb.com bio check to ensure that she was old enough to warrant my “woooooooooooooooooooo!” reaction. You never want to have to second guess your initial boobie reaction, especially if the thought you’re second guessing it with is: can I go to jail for that?

Outside of these stumbling block the movie was an overall, “meh,” followed by a shoulder shrug. I thought that I would always be up for a film about some high stakes sleep-around games, but I guess not. And when sexy movies can’t keep me interested, that is sad, and makes me want to cry. Cry manly tears of pain that kill terrorists!


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