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Remake This: Poseidon (2006)

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Wolfgang Peterson’s remake of Irwin Allen’s ‘Poseidon Adventure,’ probably went though a few name changes before settling on the titular ‘Poseidon.’ A few choices that may have gone by the wayside could have been, ‘When Water Ruled the World,’ ‘Just Because We Can Render It On A Computer Doesn’t Mean We Should,’ and, ‘Water: 1, People: 0.’

The film tells the story of a gang of rugged survivors who fight to make it to the surface after the luxury cruise ship is tipped over by a tidal wave on New Year’s Eve. It stars Josh Lucas, Kurt Russell, Emmy Rossum and Richard Dreyfus. They’re just a few of the survivors. (Among those who are spared the mediocre script by an early death include Andre Braugher, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, and Kevin Dillon, {better known as Johnny Drama on HBO’s ‘Entourage.’})

So the boat flips, a ton of people die and the few survivors work to make it to the bottom, (now, because everything’s upside down, the bottom is on the top,) and get out of the ship. The movie is rife with poor dialogue. ‘We were struck by what is known as a rogue wave.’ ‘How’d you get in there? I don’t know but the water’s really high!’ ‘Alright, Map, where does this go?’

While some of the special effects shots work and look good, most look kinda crappy. How did Irwin Allen do it in the original? He used miniatures and stuff, but it never looked this poor. In fact, when all is said and done, you’re kinda longing for Shelly Winters and Gene Hackman.

Now look, I’m no Irwin Allen apologist. I know he’s not really a producer to look up to. He made ridiculous spectacles. Unbelievable plots, cardboard characters and incredibly large sets and high-tech (for their day,) special effects were hallmarks of his work. All of that said, I’d rather sit through ‘Beyond the Poseidon Adventure,’ again than to have to think about the Peterson remake.

Is ‘Poseidon’ ridiculous? Of course it is. How does it compare to the original? It’s ok, I guess. It’s hard to get too worked up about this movie when there are much worse remake crimes being perpetrated out there. (‘Planet of the Apes,’ anyone?) ‘Poseidon’ is harmless. It’s ok, but not much else. That said, the original ‘Poseidon Adventure,’ was hardly a modern art masterpiece. -Sam

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