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Bale Is Breaking My Heart … Allegedly

Christian Bale

It’s better you hear this from me than some stranger, but a police report has been filed by the mother and sister of demigod Christian Bale, alleging that he assaulted them while in a west London hotel the night before the European premiere. He hasn’t been charged and, when asked, Scotland Yard said that it was looking into allegations, but did not say if Bale was involved in the incident.

I am hoping it isn’t true, unless the allegation is that he assaulted them with awesome. I picture it like a care bear shooting hearts out of its chest, but instead of hearts, Bale shoots blinding rays of awesome that some people can’t handle. I’m pretty sure this is what happened. I should know. I’m a part-time FBI agent. I made this badge out of the bottom of a tin can, so it’s official. I am pretty sure that’s all it takes to be an agent. That and a great catch phrase… Bonkers, bonk you out.

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