Editor’s Note: Preview Review is our new weekly column, each week Ben will give his thoughts on the weeks major releases based off their trailers.
1. Conan The Barbarian – I normally don’t enjoy remakes, but I feel Conan has so many adventures that it could stand as a remade film. No one will ever top Arnold, but I would feel stronger if someone tried to replace him as the Terminator in a remake of that movie rather than Conan. This movie looks sort of dumb, but could be an okay Netflix. Just avoid 3D, as it sucks.
2. Fright Night – Okay, now here is a remake that makes me want to puke. I could really go on and on about this one. The original Fright Night is not only one of my favorite horror movies of all time, it is one of my favorite movies of all time in general. Nothing will beat the humor and the 80s charm of Fright Night. They don’t even have fucking Peter Vincent in this one!!! And Evil is played by that fucking loser from Superbad. He’s a flash in the pan and NO Stephen Geoffreys, gay porn and all. I wonder if there will even be a “you’re so cool Brewster!” in this. Ugh. And while I do like Colin Farrell in some movies (The Way Back, Minority Report, S.W.A.T. hahahahaha just kidding!), he is not a good vampire. I guess they wanted to make this an action movie with a sexy motorcycle riding vampire…fuck that noise. Avoid if you are over 25.
PREDICTION: 1 star
3. The Last Circus – All I can say is “wow”. This movie looks insane. Alex de la Iglesia, who did an amazing horror film called Day Of The Beast, now jumps into the circus tent with this apocalyptic looking fuck fest! It looks awesome, judging by the preview. Two clowns, one happy and one sad, battle it out over women, power and…well the circus glory I guess. What results is a clusterfuck of sex, blood and hardcore violence. “If I wasn’t a clown, I’d be a murderer.” is the only line of dialog that you should need to convince you that this will be awesome!
PREDICTION: 4 stars
4. One Day – Anne Hathaway is just one of those people I wish would go away. You remember those nerdy girls in grade school who then became sort of “hot” and started to realize that she was “hot” so she started treating everyone, not just the people who made fun of her as a nerd, but everyone like a bitch mostly because she didn’t know how to react to all the new attention? Yeah…that’s Anne Hathaway to me. “Sure I’ll flash my tits because you tell me I’m hot, but it’ll come with a nerdy and smarmy comment just to let you know that I don’t trust you.” That being said, this looks like another movie with no point that is being marketed as such. I’ve seen the preview probably ten times now while eating dinner, and I still have no idea what the hell it’s about. Maybe I just don’t care. All I know is that Anne Hathaway has a British accent, and I will have to be annoyed by her for over two hours in Batman 3 shortly. Yay.
PREDICTION: 1 star
5. The Smell Of Success – I have been waiting for this movie for awhile now. Not because I am in any rush to see it, but because it literally has been floating around completed movie limbo for about 2 years. I love Billy Bob Thornton in pretty much anything he does. He just has that on screen skill to entertain me, even in crap like the Bad News Bears remake, which somehow I actually enjoyed! This movie is about his life as a shit salesman, and, while who knows if the film will be any good, I’m sure he will entertain me in every scene. It’s a Netflixer, for sure, but one I won’t feel bad adding to my Q.
PREDICTION: 3 stars
6. Spy Kids 4: All The Time In The World – While Robert Rodriguez might have all the time in the world to squat and shit out the Spy Kids movies, I don’t have much time to tolerate them. Spy Kids 1 was goofy (yeah, I know it’s a kids movie, for Christ’s sake…so is The Dark Crystal, and that ain’t goofy.) Spy Kids 2 was decent actually, and Spy Kids 3 was one of the only movies I enjoyed the 3D for. So the franchise actually is on a decent level with me. Why didn’t they just let it die there? Does Rodriguez need the money for Sin City 2 or something? This Spy Kids looks abysmal. It doesn’t even look mildly funny or entertaining. It doesn’t even have Steve Buscemi in it! It looks like a shitball Disney straight to video sequel of Flubber or something. Rodriguez better step it up for Machete 2 or I will wag my finger at him for sure over this mountain of wet garbage.
PREDICTION: 1 star