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PREVIEW REVIEW: September 30, 2011

Editor’s Note: This Article Contains Some Explicit Content

50/50

Let’s all laugh about CANCER!!  But seriously, I guess this is a drama with some funny parts?  I don’t know…the marketing is all fucky on this one.  Am I supposed to laugh?  Am I supposed to feel uncomfortable?  Am I supposed to cry?  I guess that’s what’s supposed to make me go see this movie…but I won’t.  It’s nice to see Seth Rogan is slowly starting to fade away.  It was getting to the point where he was in fucking everything, basically looking into the camera, winking and saying “Uhhhh…I’m Seth Rogan dude!  Nutsacks!  Balls! Weed!”  Enough…we get it, you’re a lovable stoner loser.  I even watched Paul the other day and sure enough, he’s the fucking alien. He’s like a crying infant.  Can’t I just have a moment of peace?? Yet, no nanny will shake him until he dies.  And Joseph Gordon Levitt shows up again to give girls another reason to swoon over a nerd, yet reject any real nerd they come across in real life.  Ironic, isn’t it?  Awww…he’s even cute when he’s dying…yet between him and Michael Cera, he’s been slowly killing off the male identity for years.  Stop being sad over girls, you two chuckleheads!  There is a 50/50 chance that I will see this movie….nah, I’m joking.  It’s 20/80.

PREDICTION:  2 stars

DREAM HOUSE

Oh shit!!  A haunted house movie with A-list stars!!  AND IT’S PG-13???  Count me in!!  Just kidding.  Fuck this noise.  This will be another effort by Hollywood, who knows shit about horror, to try and make something spooky!!  I wish they would go balls out and just make another movie that fucked up the world like The Exorcist.  See, that shit had balls.  Dream House has baby dick.  I don’t want to see Bond yelling at ghosts.  You can’t fuck them, Daniel Craig!!  I will sound like a broken record by my own admission, but fuck PG-13 horror.  Once in a GREAT while, they pull it off (Drag Me To Hell), but its rare. What shocks me the most is that this movie is by Jim Sheridan, whom I love!  If you haven;t seen In The Name Of The Father, and you call yourself a film lover…well do me a favor and trace your vein with a straight razor, because you should be lucky to be alive.  Jim Sheridan will be the only reason that I will see this someday, and he might be the one saving grace of this otherwise tired looking movie.

PREDICTION:  2 stars

WHAT’S YOUR NUMBER?

Will someone tell me who the fuck Anna Faris is and why I should give a shit that she is alive?  She looks like something Hugh Hefner squirted out of his pendulous nutsack before nearly having a stroke and then one of the Playboy bimbos took some flour, salt, milk and eggs; mashed them all up in a bowl; rolled them out on a pan; put it in the oven for 45 minutes at 450 degrees; shaped it into a female figure; put a blonde wig on it; and then slapped it silly.  Could there be any more of a generic twit working in Hollywood today?  So this movie is about her like tracking down all the guys she’s fucked over the years for, what?  Closure or something?  And judging by the previews, she’s fucked ALOT of dudes. Her gaping maw must look like the Sarlacc Pit when it burps after eating Boba Fett. And if you stick your dick in, you will find a new meaning for pain and suffering as you are slowly digested for 1,000 years. Chewie, give me the gun!!  At 106 minutes, this movie looks like it will drag more than a basset hound’s nuts.  PASSSSSS!

PREDICTION:  1 star

Next week!!

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