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Oscars: Blow by Blow

I’m drinking wine and watching the Academy’s back pat. Here’s my thoughts as we go along…

Pre-show: Ok, did anyone see Gary Busey on E! awkwardly sort of verbally assault Ryan Seacrest and in the same fight-or-flight inducing moment made Jennifer Garner fear for her life? I love Busey. Seriously, though, stop drinking, Gary. But my favorite moment? Surprisingly it wasn’t when Gary randomly showed up on the carpet, clearly uninvited and probably there for some free food and shelter from the rain. No, it was when Seacrest, after noting that he’s not sure what to ask a pregnant woman, asks Jessica Alba if she’ll be breast feeding her eventual child. I’m pretty sure that tops the list of what you don’t ask. I bet Ryan now has to tell neighbors when he’s moving into the neighborhood.

Main event: Jon Stewart’s opening is pretty funny. The audience seems lame. They don’t seem to want to laugh at the political stuff. In the immortal words of Gob, “Come on, Clooney!” Although, Gob didn’t reference Clooney. Layers, people.

Best Costume: Sweeney Todd didn’t win?! Crap. Just crap. No one even saw Elizabeth II: The Costume Show.

Best Makeup: Pirates didn’t win?! I apparently want Johnny to win, even if its an assist. Love you, Johnny! It’s the wine talking. Moving on.

Special Effects: The Golden Fucking Compass. I never saw it, but the two things I sort of read about it on the Internet brought me to the conclusion that the effects were kind of crappy. And who am I supposed to believe? The Internet full of faceless people with too much time on their hands or an Academy of Motion Picture scientists in a lab?

Art Direction: Sweeney Todd!!!!!! They should put Johnny on stage. I feel this is getting creepy. But it must be better than this Count Dracula-sounding dude on stage thanking stuff.

Best Animated Feature: Ratatouille! Brad Bird’s joke kind of went on. And, really, who hasn’t used the old “my guidance counselor fucked up when I was in high school” gag. He should have talked about working with Vin Diesel. There’s not enough Diesel at these things. I anxiously await the day the President of the Academy gets down on one knee and humbly presents the award for “The Pacifier”.

Best Supporting Actor: Did Jennifer Hudson just call it an “Arrscor”? She probably wanted Pirates to win, too. There’s a lot of speculation in the apartment as to what Javier Bardem is actually dedicating his award to. Personally, I think he just sent the code to activate some sort of doomsday device. Good job, Javier. I think I voted for Casey, but it was by accident. I didn’t really read the list. Seriously, don’t kill me, Javier. Kill Regis for calling you Xavier. Crazy old bastard. Never seen a foreign name before.

Best Short: Aww, Owen Wilson. Fresh back from…eh, never mind. So, my guess on this one was the Tonto Woman. The Mozart of Pickpockets won. Ok. More speaking in languages other than English. Bush probably changed the channel to watch Hannah Montana.

Best Animated Short: Peter and the Wolf!!!! I picked that. I only picked it because I saw a snippet of the musical on VHS in 7th grade music class. See kids, school pays off. Thank you, public education.

Best Support Actress: Finally, a real category. Tilda Swinton?! I call bullshit. Amy Ryan should have won. And probably wouldn’t have given a speech that references the Oscar’s “buttocks.” Seriously, try keeping it classy. Then a bizarre Batman reference that probably made Clooney put in a call to have her “taken out.” Then the Oscar sniper stepped in. That didn’t really happen.

Jessica Alba is talking about film speed and sharpness right now and yet all I can think about is lactation. Fucking Seacrest. I think I’m getting tired.

Best Adapted Screenplay: The Coens step up for their first award!! I hope they reference the Big Lebowski! Is it me or do they look like they have a gun to their head right now? Hmm.

The President of the Academy is doing a “skit” about voting for the Oscars. Where’s that sniper…

Now there’s a musical number that involves a Jamaican and someone who looks like she was on Dancing with the Stars singing about stuff. And a construction crew. And mariachis. Usually peyote’s involved when I see this kind of scene.

Christ, it’s 10 PM and we’ve seen 9 of the 20-odd categories. I have to work tomorrow.

Best Sound Editing: The Bourne Ultimatum won. I voted for Transformers, but I just re-watched Bourne and it kicked way more ass than Transformers, so I’m cool with this. But sound editors are boring when they talk so they shouldn’t. Is that irony?

Best Sound Mixing: Bourne again. It’s hard to be excited or witty about sound mixing. But it’s kind of funny that there were three winners for this one and each speaker got softer and then muted as the Oscar Nazis usher them off stage with the music. That’s definitely irony.

Best Actress: Ok, Forrest Whitaker seems to be going for an Oscar with this introduction. Keep your pants on, dude. Just introduce the nominees. Marion Cotillard. I picked her. I don’t even remember what movie this is for. But I love the phrase, “You rocked my life.” This speech definitely rival’s Cuba Gooding Jr.’s speech. But his didn’t have any life rocking.

Colin Farrell almost fell down.

Film Editing: I bet we’re going to get a fascinating speech with this one. Some guy who spent 7 months in a room alone with celluloid. Bourne! Very cool. A Bourne sweep.

Robert Boyle is getting his award. Where are the music Nazis? It’s kind of like watching Grampa Simpson talking about the time he wore an onion on his belt. It was a yellow onion, on account of the war… I’m sure this is all well and good for movie buffs, but for those of us who have to get up at 6, I think we’d appreciate a large cane coming out from the side stage right about now. He’s old enough to probably appreciate that joke. It is a joke. Way to be, Mr. Boyle.

Best Foreign Language Film: This may surprise you, but I totally guessed on this one. I picked 12 because I recognized the number. And I lost. Ignorance doesn’t pay off in the end. Now I feel tired and under-educated. And the night took a turn…

Original Song: Well, we’ve heard 3 of the 5 songs so far in the friggin’ musical numbers that, I’m sorry, are just wasting time. Oh, and those 3 are all from Enchanted. I can’t wait for John Travolta (who has clearly spray painted his hair on) to say that Enchanted lost. Once won! Cool! The little indie film that could. Suck on that, Patrick Dempsey.

Spielberg just compared winning Best Picture for Schindler’s List to male menopause. Yeah. I’m goin to bed.

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